A Passionate Affair

I don’t think many of us genuinely do.

For me, I know that how I was raised had a lot to do with it. I think that’s true for most of us. We are shaped and sculpted by the environment in which we live. My father was a 100% German and my mom a Scot; quite a combination in terms of the tradition of stoicism.

The unspoken rules went something like this: You don’t compliment or speak highly of your children in public and if at home, it is restrained. You don’t talk appreciatively about yourself; bragging is next to sinning. You are not prideful in any way, about yourself or your kids.  The concept of self-love, self-regard and self-respect were cloaked with tight lips and what I would later call false humility.

It took me years to understand why other adults would rave about how incredible a singer I was, or what an astounding public speaker I was or how naturally I motivated and led people, while my dad and mom would remain quiet. It hurt then, as a kid. Now as an adult I realize that I have internalized this terrible habit of not bragging about myself, ravishing myself with love or in some way giving myself what I am more-than-willing to give others.

Many of us do not genuinely, deep down inside of our good selves, purely and passionately love ourselves.

This needs to change.
Old habits die hard.
I am finally committed to doing it.  I am going to risk falling in love with me.

One week ago I told my tribe - all of you amazing and incredible core-good peeps - that I was starting an affair; with myself. I don’t say this in jest. You see, there was a moment in my life when I was tempted to do just that with someone other than my husband. It’s a complicated story as most of them are. I am writing it now, not sure what form it will eventually take. At this moment, I want to give you some of the wisdom from that time in my life.

Here is one piece: we have affairs, are tempted to do so, to get charged and excited by people other than our partners and spouses. It is not because our partners and spouses are lacking. It’s because we think that we are lacking. We simply don’t love ourselves enough.

I think the main reason men and women fall into affairs is not because we are so passionate about the other person – but rather – we are passionate about how that person sees us. It is a selfish act in more than one way. Selfish in terms of dishonesty toward our committed partner and selfish in that we aren’t really valuing the one with whom we are cheating. We are valuing the way they make us feel, which is rooted in the truth that their unyielding passion for us gives us a vision of ourselves for which we deeply yearn.

It’s not necessarily that our spouse or partner isn’t giving it to us, it is simply that they are involved in the complicated tasks of the life we have built together. Through all of what has occurred over the years, for a variety of reasons – mostly due to the bad habit of not bragging about, liking and loving ourselves – we don’t feel strong, good, worthy or desirable.

We are out of shape in the self-love, self-regard and self-respect areas of our life. Women are especially vulnerable to this because we have been taught by society, culture, religion and perhaps family that it is the job of a woman to put everyone else before us. Our role in life, we are told, is to sacrifice for our husbands, sons and lastly, our daughters. We are to give so that they can have a good life.

Nope. No more.

To give from our good core to our children, spouses & partners, friends and colleagues we must first give to our good. We have to focus as much time on our needs, our wants, our fantasies, dreams, experiences as we do on those of others. The analogy to having an affair is a good one because it is in these relationships where we are most passionate about the other. It almost seems as though we have found a perfect person. We overlook any flaws and simmer in the pleasure we find in their presence.

This is how we ought to behave to ourselves. I mean it! When we do, we will be far less tempted to find the attention and love of ourselves from another. We will give it to ourselves, and then have such capacity to give it to our spouses, children, friends and community.

Thus, we need to desire ourselves. We need to love our bodies, feel how we react when we are pleasured. We need to talk to ourselves about how beautiful and sexy we are, about how much we want to be with ourselves. We need to share a good story with ourselves, take ourselves out for drinks and a play, go for a walk with ourselves or steal away for a few hours doing something indulgent with ourselves.

We are worth it. You are worth it.

Brag about yourself this weekend. Tell one other person something GREAT about you. Like yourself this weekend. Take yourself to one place you’d like to go, one walk you want to take or bookstore you want to peruse. Love yourself this weekend. Give yourself pleasure and explore your own good body. Feed yourself good food and rub yourself with lovely body oils.

Have an affair! With You!