If the revelation were a stick it would be dangerous. The impact with which it hits me shakes me so profoundly that I cannot do anything other than look at the truth. I am unkind to myself.
“Have an affair with yourself”, I said. “Love you the way you love your lover”, I opined. I have taken this work seriously, and have been nearly devastated at what I have found.
I have a vivid memory of the first years of passionate love with my husband. I also recollect a few years ago when I was honestly and frighteningly tempted to have an affair with another. I remember what I so freely gave away: attention, compliments, strokes, desire and yearning to be near them.
To have passionate love for me as I would a lover is a metaphor that has shone light on that which I have not before seen so clearly. Thinking of all that I gave, and still give to another - it is striking how much I do NOT give to me.
While realizing this distasteful reality I have also received several interesting comments on my book, Religion Made Me Fat. These are from Christians who are angry, disappointed and sorry for me because I no longer have God, and who assert that I must be, without question, miserable, afraid and confused.
There is a shared core in these journeys.
1. To find self-love as powerful, intoxicating and freeing as when another loves us.
2. To move the location of our good from being on a cross, in a Christ, God, Church or system of belief to inside of our naturally good selves.
Both locate the power of good, of love, inside of us. Both claim that power is potent and can be used to create more good love and power.
Both share this obstacle: We are uncomfortable with too much self-love and don’t really want the responsibility that comes along with loving our core-good.
My TEDx Talk, Asserting Human Good, is a 16-minute romp into this idea that is both a mind-blowing paradigmatic shift as well as a blasé concept with no apparent teeth.
Blasé because I have found since giving the TEDx Talk that most people initially reject the idea that they are not good, or that God is the good in them, or that our cultural understanding is based on the idea that humans are born into sin and cannot get rid of it ourselves.
They reject it until the idea of ones own power and therefore responsibility to use it, gets too big and they run for the cover of don't blame me, I can't do it or I am not enough.
The angry Christians who write to me, feel sorry for me and know that I am sad, confused and miserable because they want to believe this must be true for me. They need it to be true. If I can be happy, content, contributing to my community and world, and do it all without God, the foundation of their belief falls apart.
What is that foundation? Wait for it… “You must have God to be good.”
It is God, Allah, Yahweh who gives us what we need to finally make it through the pearly gates or otherwise get on that welcome wagon into the proverbial heaven or celestial palace that awaits the “good and faithful” after death.
God makes us good, not us. God gives us what we need to be “enough” for God – and for the religious, that’s ultimately what it’s all about.
I interacted with one of the Christians who told me I was miserable and explained how grounded, content and free I felt. I said that I was helping people & proud of the work I am doing. They wrote back: “It does not matter if you help people or what you do in life. What matters is your salvation, if you are fit for Christ.”
Right. Back to my TEDx Talk. It’s the Doctrine of Original Sin and the foundational belief that without a God, humans cannot be good enough to do anything really good because the ultimate prize isn’t making the world better – it’s getting into heaven, making the celestial grade and being stamped with “Approved”.
There are other clues that the majority of people in our culture are being dishonest about what they really believe about their good capacity.
• The many Facebook reply’s that say “God is good!” when someone posts a win.
• The posts that say “I’m sure God is going to make this a good day!”
• The license plate that reads “I am Good in God”
• The call, response used by hundreds if not thousands of churches; Leader: “God is Good!” People: “All of the time!”
What would happen if we changed these few examples with the idea that humans are good?
• I post on Facebook: “Wow, just finished my book!” and then post “I am good!” or a friend replies “You are good!”
• How about a license plate that says “I am naturally good!” or “I am good in me.”
• A call response that says “You are Good!” and the people respond “All of the time!”
This is the stuff of the mind-blowing paradigmatic shift. If we truly, honestly and genuinely believed that as humans we are first good, and, have all the capacity we need right now to make more good, we would live in a different world.
This is where I want to live and it is the world I seek to create for my children, for you and yours. It will be a struggle; not just because of the engrained idea that on our own we cannot do and be good, but also because we are dishonest about believing that truth. And, we’re afraid. We fear too much self-love and the responsibility for our own life, and the improved life of our community and world.
Fear is not more powerful than our good, and our challenge to passionately love ourselves begins with claiming that good.
Start today. Make your own call/response to repeat in your head. “I am good! – All of the time!”
I think it is time to take the true leap of faith and believe not in that which we cannot see, but in our own good, lovely, complicated, incredible selves. All of the Time!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
A Passionate Affair
I don’t think many of us genuinely do.
For me, I know that how I was raised had a lot to do with it. I think that’s true for most of us. We are shaped and sculpted by the environment in which we live. My father was a 100% German and my mom a Scot; quite a combination in terms of the tradition of stoicism.
The unspoken rules went something like this: You don’t compliment or speak highly of your children in public and if at home, it is restrained. You don’t talk appreciatively about yourself; bragging is next to sinning. You are not prideful in any way, about yourself or your kids. The concept of self-love, self-regard and self-respect were cloaked with tight lips and what I would later call false humility.
It took me years to understand why other adults would rave about how incredible a singer I was, or what an astounding public speaker I was or how naturally I motivated and led people, while my dad and mom would remain quiet. It hurt then, as a kid. Now as an adult I realize that I have internalized this terrible habit of not bragging about myself, ravishing myself with love or in some way giving myself what I am more-than-willing to give others.
Many of us do not genuinely, deep down inside of our good selves, purely and passionately love ourselves.
This needs to change.
Old habits die hard.
I am finally committed to doing it. I am going to risk falling in love with me.
One week ago I told my tribe - all of you amazing and incredible core-good peeps - that I was starting an affair; with myself. I don’t say this in jest. You see, there was a moment in my life when I was tempted to do just that with someone other than my husband. It’s a complicated story as most of them are. I am writing it now, not sure what form it will eventually take. At this moment, I want to give you some of the wisdom from that time in my life.
Here is one piece: we have affairs, are tempted to do so, to get charged and excited by people other than our partners and spouses. It is not because our partners and spouses are lacking. It’s because we think that we are lacking. We simply don’t love ourselves enough.
I think the main reason men and women fall into affairs is not because we are so passionate about the other person – but rather – we are passionate about how that person sees us. It is a selfish act in more than one way. Selfish in terms of dishonesty toward our committed partner and selfish in that we aren’t really valuing the one with whom we are cheating. We are valuing the way they make us feel, which is rooted in the truth that their unyielding passion for us gives us a vision of ourselves for which we deeply yearn.
It’s not necessarily that our spouse or partner isn’t giving it to us, it is simply that they are involved in the complicated tasks of the life we have built together. Through all of what has occurred over the years, for a variety of reasons – mostly due to the bad habit of not bragging about, liking and loving ourselves – we don’t feel strong, good, worthy or desirable.
We are out of shape in the self-love, self-regard and self-respect areas of our life. Women are especially vulnerable to this because we have been taught by society, culture, religion and perhaps family that it is the job of a woman to put everyone else before us. Our role in life, we are told, is to sacrifice for our husbands, sons and lastly, our daughters. We are to give so that they can have a good life.
Nope. No more.
To give from our good core to our children, spouses & partners, friends and colleagues we must first give to our good. We have to focus as much time on our needs, our wants, our fantasies, dreams, experiences as we do on those of others. The analogy to having an affair is a good one because it is in these relationships where we are most passionate about the other. It almost seems as though we have found a perfect person. We overlook any flaws and simmer in the pleasure we find in their presence.
This is how we ought to behave to ourselves. I mean it! When we do, we will be far less tempted to find the attention and love of ourselves from another. We will give it to ourselves, and then have such capacity to give it to our spouses, children, friends and community.
Thus, we need to desire ourselves. We need to love our bodies, feel how we react when we are pleasured. We need to talk to ourselves about how beautiful and sexy we are, about how much we want to be with ourselves. We need to share a good story with ourselves, take ourselves out for drinks and a play, go for a walk with ourselves or steal away for a few hours doing something indulgent with ourselves.
We are worth it. You are worth it.
Brag about yourself this weekend. Tell one other person something GREAT about you. Like yourself this weekend. Take yourself to one place you’d like to go, one walk you want to take or bookstore you want to peruse. Love yourself this weekend. Give yourself pleasure and explore your own good body. Feed yourself good food and rub yourself with lovely body oils.
Have an affair! With You!
For me, I know that how I was raised had a lot to do with it. I think that’s true for most of us. We are shaped and sculpted by the environment in which we live. My father was a 100% German and my mom a Scot; quite a combination in terms of the tradition of stoicism.
The unspoken rules went something like this: You don’t compliment or speak highly of your children in public and if at home, it is restrained. You don’t talk appreciatively about yourself; bragging is next to sinning. You are not prideful in any way, about yourself or your kids. The concept of self-love, self-regard and self-respect were cloaked with tight lips and what I would later call false humility.
It took me years to understand why other adults would rave about how incredible a singer I was, or what an astounding public speaker I was or how naturally I motivated and led people, while my dad and mom would remain quiet. It hurt then, as a kid. Now as an adult I realize that I have internalized this terrible habit of not bragging about myself, ravishing myself with love or in some way giving myself what I am more-than-willing to give others.
Many of us do not genuinely, deep down inside of our good selves, purely and passionately love ourselves.
This needs to change.
Old habits die hard.
I am finally committed to doing it. I am going to risk falling in love with me.
One week ago I told my tribe - all of you amazing and incredible core-good peeps - that I was starting an affair; with myself. I don’t say this in jest. You see, there was a moment in my life when I was tempted to do just that with someone other than my husband. It’s a complicated story as most of them are. I am writing it now, not sure what form it will eventually take. At this moment, I want to give you some of the wisdom from that time in my life.
Here is one piece: we have affairs, are tempted to do so, to get charged and excited by people other than our partners and spouses. It is not because our partners and spouses are lacking. It’s because we think that we are lacking. We simply don’t love ourselves enough.
I think the main reason men and women fall into affairs is not because we are so passionate about the other person – but rather – we are passionate about how that person sees us. It is a selfish act in more than one way. Selfish in terms of dishonesty toward our committed partner and selfish in that we aren’t really valuing the one with whom we are cheating. We are valuing the way they make us feel, which is rooted in the truth that their unyielding passion for us gives us a vision of ourselves for which we deeply yearn.
It’s not necessarily that our spouse or partner isn’t giving it to us, it is simply that they are involved in the complicated tasks of the life we have built together. Through all of what has occurred over the years, for a variety of reasons – mostly due to the bad habit of not bragging about, liking and loving ourselves – we don’t feel strong, good, worthy or desirable.
We are out of shape in the self-love, self-regard and self-respect areas of our life. Women are especially vulnerable to this because we have been taught by society, culture, religion and perhaps family that it is the job of a woman to put everyone else before us. Our role in life, we are told, is to sacrifice for our husbands, sons and lastly, our daughters. We are to give so that they can have a good life.
Nope. No more.
To give from our good core to our children, spouses & partners, friends and colleagues we must first give to our good. We have to focus as much time on our needs, our wants, our fantasies, dreams, experiences as we do on those of others. The analogy to having an affair is a good one because it is in these relationships where we are most passionate about the other. It almost seems as though we have found a perfect person. We overlook any flaws and simmer in the pleasure we find in their presence.
This is how we ought to behave to ourselves. I mean it! When we do, we will be far less tempted to find the attention and love of ourselves from another. We will give it to ourselves, and then have such capacity to give it to our spouses, children, friends and community.
Thus, we need to desire ourselves. We need to love our bodies, feel how we react when we are pleasured. We need to talk to ourselves about how beautiful and sexy we are, about how much we want to be with ourselves. We need to share a good story with ourselves, take ourselves out for drinks and a play, go for a walk with ourselves or steal away for a few hours doing something indulgent with ourselves.
We are worth it. You are worth it.
Brag about yourself this weekend. Tell one other person something GREAT about you. Like yourself this weekend. Take yourself to one place you’d like to go, one walk you want to take or bookstore you want to peruse. Love yourself this weekend. Give yourself pleasure and explore your own good body. Feed yourself good food and rub yourself with lovely body oils.
Have an affair! With You!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Yes! Not the What but the Who
How do we know what we want to be when we grow up?
The New Year offers the space and time (if we take it) to jump into such a question and dig down deep. On this eighth day of January there remains plenty of time in these beginning days of 2013 to reflect and get into your core good.
I have an infuriatingly lucky older brother who knew exactly what he was meant to do on this earth. At 13 years old he knew he wanted to be an architect and that is what he became. And a damn gifted one too.
It did not happen like that for me. I have regularly struggled with “what” I was meant to do in this world and “what” form it would take. My resume has been described as richly diverse. I have accomplished much, earned an advanced degree, traveled the world, been an ordained pastor, university instructor and non-profit founder and leader. Still the question haunts me: “What” are you AmyJo?
You know how it goes. You’re at a party or gathering and you get involved in a conversation with someone you don’t know. After exchanging names the next question almost always is “So what do you do?” Our identity is intertwined with how we earn a living. These days it precedes almost all other aspects of how we define and understand ourselves. It is what we pay attention to; we use it to measure and size-up if we want to remain in conversation or move on.
When I was a pastor I especially despised the question. The reaction was the same 100% of the time. “So, what do you do?” the stranger would ask. It was no matter where the exchange took place; a bus, at a party or social gathering, at school functions. When I responded with “I’m a pastor” the questioner would offer a furtive “Oh”. Awkward silence followed. The parties or social gatherings were the worst. People would assume they now had to watch their language or put down their glass of wine, even though I was holding one myself.
After leaving the ordained ministry (a story I tell in my book Religion Made Me Fat), I still dislike the question. It pierces an insecurity I have held since I began to wonder what I would become when I grew up. “What do you do?” is a query that leaves me flat and afraid. Afraid that what I do isn’t enough and doesn’t measure up, and flat because there is so much more to me than any one thing, position or post I have ever held professionally. There is a part of me that wants to shout with the joyful energy of freedom, “I don’t do anything but what I want to do! I am all that I should be right now!” Followed with an arm pumping, “Woop! Woop!”
But I don’t. My habit has been to play along with the game, talk about my teaching, my coaching, my new business. Until now. Until today. Until this eighth day of January 2013 where I am proclaiming “Yes!” I will break this habit, change the rules of my life and make my own game!
To begin, I am letting go of the question “What do you want to be or do” and replacing it with “Who do you want to be?”
“Who” do I want to “be” is an entirely different question. Imagine if you were back at that party. You’ve introduced yourself and shaken hands, and then you ask “So, who are you?”
Ha! It would be such a great question to ask! It matters not “what” they do, but rather the import is on “who” they are. What is it that makes them tick? What do they love? What do they think is beautiful? How do they love, make decisions, solve problems? Do they drink from abundance or are they pinched by scarcity?
“Who do I want to be?” is the question for my 2013.
Amy Ahlers, the incredibly gifted Wake-Up Call Coach, offered the question as rooted in our state of being. It isn’t what you want to get or attain. It isn’t where you want to go or something you wish to complete.
This is a question grounded in a different soil than the well known clay of expectations, production and making things happen. It is into these that we plunge our measuring devices that create measurable targets of losing 10 pounds, taking a painting class or buying that dream car, boat, or purse. These aren’t bad goals. It isn’t wrong to want and desire things or to extend our skills and knowledge. We definitely know it’s good to take care of our bodies. Yet there is a distinct difference between these goals that come from the familiar ground of societal do’s and don’t's and those that arise from our own core good.
Living into our good is the key access point to our contentment and it starts by claiming the power of our natural inner good core. From here everything else - all that is human - stems, grows and blossoms. It is not determined by any other being, organization, book or custom. Your good life comes from your good core.
Who do you want to be in this next year?
Let me offer a few examples.
The process is easy. So easy it will make you laugh, perhaps even doubt. But don’t.
I am good and have in me the power to make more good for myself and others.
It is this one sentence that will activate your good and get you in tune with “who” you are and “who” you want to be. Make this sentence your New Year’s Resolution and then add the question: Who do I want to be in this year? The confidence you build in your natural goodness will guide and direct you and you will hear your truth.
The New Year offers the space and time (if we take it) to jump into such a question and dig down deep. On this eighth day of January there remains plenty of time in these beginning days of 2013 to reflect and get into your core good.
I have an infuriatingly lucky older brother who knew exactly what he was meant to do on this earth. At 13 years old he knew he wanted to be an architect and that is what he became. And a damn gifted one too.
It did not happen like that for me. I have regularly struggled with “what” I was meant to do in this world and “what” form it would take. My resume has been described as richly diverse. I have accomplished much, earned an advanced degree, traveled the world, been an ordained pastor, university instructor and non-profit founder and leader. Still the question haunts me: “What” are you AmyJo?
You know how it goes. You’re at a party or gathering and you get involved in a conversation with someone you don’t know. After exchanging names the next question almost always is “So what do you do?” Our identity is intertwined with how we earn a living. These days it precedes almost all other aspects of how we define and understand ourselves. It is what we pay attention to; we use it to measure and size-up if we want to remain in conversation or move on.
When I was a pastor I especially despised the question. The reaction was the same 100% of the time. “So, what do you do?” the stranger would ask. It was no matter where the exchange took place; a bus, at a party or social gathering, at school functions. When I responded with “I’m a pastor” the questioner would offer a furtive “Oh”. Awkward silence followed. The parties or social gatherings were the worst. People would assume they now had to watch their language or put down their glass of wine, even though I was holding one myself.
After leaving the ordained ministry (a story I tell in my book Religion Made Me Fat), I still dislike the question. It pierces an insecurity I have held since I began to wonder what I would become when I grew up. “What do you do?” is a query that leaves me flat and afraid. Afraid that what I do isn’t enough and doesn’t measure up, and flat because there is so much more to me than any one thing, position or post I have ever held professionally. There is a part of me that wants to shout with the joyful energy of freedom, “I don’t do anything but what I want to do! I am all that I should be right now!” Followed with an arm pumping, “Woop! Woop!”
But I don’t. My habit has been to play along with the game, talk about my teaching, my coaching, my new business. Until now. Until today. Until this eighth day of January 2013 where I am proclaiming “Yes!” I will break this habit, change the rules of my life and make my own game!
To begin, I am letting go of the question “What do you want to be or do” and replacing it with “Who do you want to be?”
“Who” do I want to “be” is an entirely different question. Imagine if you were back at that party. You’ve introduced yourself and shaken hands, and then you ask “So, who are you?”
Ha! It would be such a great question to ask! It matters not “what” they do, but rather the import is on “who” they are. What is it that makes them tick? What do they love? What do they think is beautiful? How do they love, make decisions, solve problems? Do they drink from abundance or are they pinched by scarcity?
“Who do I want to be?” is the question for my 2013.
Amy Ahlers, the incredibly gifted Wake-Up Call Coach, offered the question as rooted in our state of being. It isn’t what you want to get or attain. It isn’t where you want to go or something you wish to complete.
This is a question grounded in a different soil than the well known clay of expectations, production and making things happen. It is into these that we plunge our measuring devices that create measurable targets of losing 10 pounds, taking a painting class or buying that dream car, boat, or purse. These aren’t bad goals. It isn’t wrong to want and desire things or to extend our skills and knowledge. We definitely know it’s good to take care of our bodies. Yet there is a distinct difference between these goals that come from the familiar ground of societal do’s and don’t's and those that arise from our own core good.
Living into our good is the key access point to our contentment and it starts by claiming the power of our natural inner good core. From here everything else - all that is human - stems, grows and blossoms. It is not determined by any other being, organization, book or custom. Your good life comes from your good core.
Who do you want to be in this next year?
Let me offer a few examples.
- This year, I want to be a woman who is confident in her great work and in claiming the great life intended for me.
- This year I want to be a relaxed mother who enjoys her kids; playing while guiding and loving them up with my own core good while affirming theirs.
- This year I want to be a sexy, energized lover who listens to, laughs and plays with my husband.
The process is easy. So easy it will make you laugh, perhaps even doubt. But don’t.
- Just do it.
- Say it.
- Repeat it.
- Make it your truth.
I am good and have in me the power to make more good for myself and others.
It is this one sentence that will activate your good and get you in tune with “who” you are and “who” you want to be. Make this sentence your New Year’s Resolution and then add the question: Who do I want to be in this year? The confidence you build in your natural goodness will guide and direct you and you will hear your truth.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Busy to Distraction
When I was a pastor, my colleague who had been at the congregation 15 plus years when I arrived, was always running. His cell phone was constantly barking at him; clipped to his waist it rarely stayed in the holster longer than a few minutes. When we had scheduled meetings, he’d fly-in at the last minute, out of breath with phone moving from ear to holster. At the end of it, he’d head out immediately to his “next important meeting,” phone always (always) being pulled toward his ear as he walked out the door.
It was intimidating. That is, until I discovered that this person actually did very little.
This experience, combined with my personal history of growing up in a house that praised busyness while deriding anything seemingly sedentary, got me thinking. Why does it appear that we love being “crazy busy?”
We live in a culture obsessed with constant movement, packed schedules, and being “busy, busy, busy!” Whenever I hear anyone say that word more than once-in-a-row, I can’t help but hear the voice of the Magician in the TV production of Frosty the Snowman. You know the scene, the long-legged, top-hatted entertainer & scumbag is trying to ignore Santa, so he says “No time to talk, busy, busy, busy” as he zooms over hill and yonder, away from the truth of his reality and his choices.
It’s an insightful metaphor. Somehow we have been trained to think of ourselves and others as worthy, good people the more “crazed and busy” we are. Regularly, when I greet someone with the words ‘How are you?’ I am met with rolling eyes, shaking head and appropriately stressed smile. “Oh my gosh,” the person says, “Crazy! Things are so busy… one thing after another. So hard to keep up.” Or another of my favorites is, “This week has been so chaotic!... I barely have time to breathe!” And another that tops the list is “Oh man, I am just running all the time…” Each of which leads to an exhalation of dramatic breath followed by, “What about you?”
It’s almost a comparison of who can out-crazy-schedule the other.
The problem (and I do think it is a problem) isn’t that people are busy with schedules that are full, productive and life-giving. The way in which we talk about our days isn’t with affirmation of the goodness coming from the “running around” or “chaotic days”. It approaches a sort of badge of honor that we wear proudly to prove that we have earned something. What? Is it our worth? A mark of success?
I think it is a problem because we have convinced ourselves that the more we fill up our days with appointments & events and the louder our phones screech with announcements of Facebook likes, Twitter RT’s and text messages, the more value we have as a person. I come to this conclusion because when queried with “How are you?” people are not saying “I am really good. I have a full day and a lot of time consuming connections, and I love it.” They’re responding with harried, heavy breathing and shaking heads. I also am convinced it’s a problem because in the midst of all this “running around” we are not collectively getting healthier. We clearly are not getting good aerobic or anaerobic activity from being “on the go”. We are getting fatter with ever growing incidence of diabetes and heart disease, blood pressure and other diseases due to being overweight and out of shape.
A final reason I think our “Chaotic days” are a problem is because, like the Magician, we use the busyness to get ever further away from the reality of our true selves. Slowing down means more time to think, reflect and feel ourselves. Are we happy? What is happy? What do I really want? What do I honestly think of myself and why? Why am I choosing to work at what I am doing? Why am I in this relationship? What does it mean that I am a ___________ (fill in the blank, Christian, Muslim, Atheist)? Why do I laugh at jokes deriding homosexuals? And on and on.
When our days are “filled” with “one thing after another” we don’t have to face those uncertainties, questions or ponderings that are part of a life-aware. To be present in the moment of our days means to engage fully with the realities in which we exist, whether they be friendly or challenging truths, a healthy, grounded and happy person faces them. The distractions from an overly packed, smart phone yelping life enable you and me to get further away from that work and therefore, a much less honestly full life.
Let’s begin this New Year with a resolution to be less like the “busy, busy, busy” of Frosty’s Magician and commit to being open to making honestly core-Good magic within ourselves & to share with others. To talk more about this work, give me a holler below or on Facebook, Twitter or my website. Use these oft-times social distractions to slow it down and blaze a new trail for 2013!
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