Claim the Good, Even Today

I’ve recently noticed how much I use it, and it bothers me. I can claim a big win just in the fact that I am aware of it. Awareness is the beginning step to choosing to change it…the behavior that isn’t healthy.

I discovered how dependent I am on it while lying in bed the other morning. It was dark-dark outside and my husband and I had yet to break light into our room. We were slowly awakening to the call from the 5 a.m. alarm and talking about the wind and rain pelting our windows, leaving short, panging noises ringing into our quiet.

“I know we need this rain”, I was saying, “but it sure messes with my running schedule, especially the wind.” And then I said it. “It makes me crazy not to be able to run.”

That time I caught myself. “Wow”, I said. “I did it again.”
“Did what?” my hubbie asked. “Said it. I think I am dependent on it. Yuck.”

The phrase I use often, a lot, I mean, really a lot is this: “It makes me…”

I have noticed that I use it when I experience myself as out-of-control or unable for some reason to exert my will to make things happen according to my wishes. When other drivers cut me off or choose to make decisions that are dangerous I have said “It makes me crazy when people drive like this.” When my students don’t listen or continue to play on their smart phones in class I report that “It makes me upset when you do this.” When my kids won’t follow my directions I say “It makes me nuts when you don’t listen.”

As I was writing this, I received a text asking if I had heard about the school shootings in Connecticut. “No!” I responded. “What and when?” Then I almost wrote back “It makes me feel out-of-control” but I caught myself. I texted back “I feel out-of-control”.

The subtle change is not small. It is a chasm leap from one way of looking at the world to another. Repeating the phrase “It makes me,” or “they make me” or “______ makes me”, denies that I am the one in control and responsible for my life. It gives away my good power to another entity, situation or person. It denies that I have all that I need to choose how I feel, decide what my options are and what I think. I become dependent on blaming, giving-over to or letting another entity be the cause for me and my thoughts, emotions, feelings and actions.

Doing this is not tapping into my natural good. When I claim that I am naturally good and have in me the power to make more good for myself and others, I am take responsibility to use it. The good is in me now. I do not need to wait to get it from God, church, job, government, friends, lover….you name it. When the good is in me, it is up to me to tap into it regularly to use it to create more good.

How do you do that in the face of a tragedy such as the one happening right now in Connecticut? First, I own how I feel. The shooter didn’t make me feel out-of-control. I feel that way because I have three children and one husband at a school every day. The thought of something like this happening to them sends shock waves of fear careening through my body. To get hold of that fear, I face it. I have plenty of good to manage it and think. I don’t’ need to react and I don’t need to blame. I decide how I respond.

Step two. Get in touch with my good to claim that the power of good, even in the midst of this terrible, frightening occurrence, continues to be stronger. Realize that this bad, awful event does not mean evil is triumphing over good. It means one unhealthy individual chose to deny his good and cause immeasurable pain, fear and suffering for many.

Step Three. How can I help? What can I do? Where can I put my good power to work to make more good, especially at times when it appears (it’s not reality) that the bad is winning.

Step Four. Breathe deep into my good, claim it for the world and get busy.

Here’s a good challenge for your good self. Pay attention to how often you say the phrase: “______ makes me…” When you notice it, replace it with “I am good.” For those of you with a streak of adventure and fun – replace it with the Tony the Tiger growl-up of “U-I-A-A-A-M-M-M  G-O-O-O-D!

Let’s go make a good difference in a world of good that needs more!

No More Shopping!

I don’t like shopping.

During the hubbub of the holiday season, I find it even more distasteful. It’s difficult enough to find items that are just right and appropriate for me; that I like, that aren’t too much to spend and that will be a good asset to my already overfull house, closets and containers.

Trying to find the right gift for others is even harder. My kids make it easy… they write it down in detail and are willing to talk about it at just about any given moment between Thanksgiving and December 25th. 

It’s the rest of the crowd that causes the crease over my eyes to deepen. How do I balance the budget of limited funds with really wanting to provide for my family and give them what they need and some of what they want, while also wanting to appreciate other people? What do you get your friend that isn’t your best-y but who you want to show you appreciate? What about that colleague, or casual acquaintance who regularly brightens your day?

Give the gift of their good. Seriously. I did it last weekend, and it was so enriching to be part of.  Serendipitously, I gave the gift of “our natural human good” to a friend who is having trouble claiming it for himself.

“Listen,” I said… “are you saying the sentence?” (You know the one: I am good and have in me the power to make more good for myself and others. That sentence that changes the world.) He sheepishly admitted that no, he wasn’t.

“You need to!” I exclaimed. “Seriously, my friend, it truly works. I promise you will hear a difference in your inner dialogue. All those negative nasty’s telling you that you aren’t worth it and are not enough, will subside.”

We talked for a while about all the ramifications of taking seriously the work of practicing and rehearsing the idea that he is naturally good and has the power to make more good for himself and others. He texted me today with an update: “I’ve been saying it!” it read.

Between beginning to write this blog and completing it, I gave the same gift to another person in my life. She is one of those people you regularly see at work, who is helpful, kind and always ready with a smile, but not a close friend. She was flustered from all the pressure she was experiencing, so I said “You are good and have the power to make more of it. Trust yourself. All of this isn’t as powerful as your good.”

She blushed with a broad smile and said “Oh, AmyJo, well, thank you.” As I was leaving the office she purposely sought me out to say thank you again, for those particular words. “What a great gift you gave me,” she said. Indeed!

No more shopping! Give the gift of good to someone in your life! Wrap it up with your own good. Put on the bow of confidence in the truth that when we share our natural good with others we generate a larger, unstoppable energy of positive, problem-solving, beauty-affirming and life promoting power! Now that’s a gift for the season!

Think About It. Really.

Think about it. Give me four minutes to tickle your intellectual imagination. Really consider the potential of what I am about to say.

“You are good and have in you the power to make more good for yourself and others.”

I’ve been talking a lot about this idea lately. In my TEDx Talk which I gave in October (check it out!) I offered this sentences as a replacement to the Christian confession “I am by nature sinful and unclean and cannot free myself,” rooted in the Doctrine of Original Sin. 

I have since had the opportunity to speak to a group of retired pastors, another with current pastors, another discussion with progressive non-clergy Christians and still others with non-religious and secular folk.

It has been interesting to hear the responses from these various groups of people and the common theme they hold between them. It seems that no one truly buys into the old idea that human beings are naturally (meaning we were born that way) bad and sinful. “I moved beyond that over a decade ago” one pastor said. Another offered that he’d have to get that “old doctrine out and dust it off. I can’t remember what it argues,” he laughed. Other individuals explained that they don’t really think that anyone believes that anymore.

Apparently it’s not a big issue. That is, until I make it clear that I do not mean that we as humans do good and are good because God works through us, but that we as humans are naturally good already – right now – this minute – in all the stuff of our humanity – we are good. “And,” I add, “we have an abundance of that good within us to continue to make more of the good because we choose to use it.”

When that sinks in, the eyebrows raise and the bottoms shift in seats. “Say what?”

Let me try again:

You are naturally good. Meaning, you did not have to “do” anything to “get good” or to “get the good” in you. It simply is in you and you simply are, good. And, you have the capacity already in you, right now, as you exist in this moment, to make more good that will positively affect you and others. By regularly affirming your own GOOD you create more capacity within yourself to do more good. The more seriously you take practicing this idea and claiming that is it true for you, the more good capacity you create. It multiplies!

Believing, practicing, affirming and training with the idea that YOU are GOOD by the very nature of your being human – shifts everything. It changes every aspect of how you and I interact with ourselves, each other, our government, strangers and with ideas and challenges. Here are just a few ripples to contribute to your thinking:

1. You do not need to get the good from anywhere else, or anyone else. You are good all on your own just because you are you.
2. You don’t need a god, church, religion or any other person (lover, parent, friend, etc…) to prove you are worthy or acceptable. You are good, way deep-down-into-the-core of yourself good, without anyone else or anything else confirming this truth.
3. There is no need to have religious judgment. Because ALL humans are naturally good, religion is not required or used to make us acceptable and good. We already are. This gives space for religion to be a source of comfort, story & guidance, thinking & wonder, celebration & community instead of “rightness” and judgment.  We can be in different religions and still be in relationship. We can learn stories that vary one from another, practice liturgies that are unique and still claim that we share the same CORE GOOD!
4. I am responsible for my life, my choices, my loves, my feelings, my reactions and responses, my…. everything.  Because I have all the capacity I need to make good and to do good, I have all the power I need to be the one in control of myself and my life. I do not need a god, a job, a social status or a relationship to make my life good or to blame when I struggle.  I am in control of my life and have the good capacity to direct and interact with all that happens around me.  
5. I am not a victim. I do not blame others for the situation of my life or for how I feel. I am naturally good and have plenty of good in me to use to make healthy, good and life-giving choices. I do not need to wait for god to finally bless me, or for a company to recognize my potential. I do not need to blame you for making me feel small, or wait until “someone loves me” to claim my worth and beauty. I realize my power and regularly tap in to my good that reminds me I am in control and responsible for me.
6. When I practice the idea that I am born naturally good, I am practicing that same idea for you too. I am naturally good and so is every other human. This is a momentous shift from only affirming good in me and my kind, to including everyone, no matter their race, creed, color, sexual orientation or political affiliation. Each of us is responsible for using our own good, and still when I practice affirming that I believe you have it (whether or not you are tapping into it) have more room to listen to you, see you and be available to problem-solve with you.

When you take these few minutes to really consider this idea, you will add ripples to this list. It is a remarkable concept that is, unfortunately, not being practiced or taught in our churches, temples, schools, homes and society. Even as people are adamant that they no longer subscribe to the old language of being “sinful and unclean” we remain rooted in the notion that without God, church, friendship or good upbringing, we cannot on our own be and do, good.

There is an across-the-board nervousness I encounter when I assert that as humans we do have the power and capacity to make good choices & to create more good within us and around us. We do it. We tap into it and we create more of it.

“It sounds an awful lot like self-worship” someone recently stated, including the assumption that such worship is negative.   

I say, “Right on!”

I have counseled and guided enough people who doubt their worth, loath their life and think of themselves as bad that I think we can use buckets of self-worship, focusing on our inner good, practicing tapping into it and regularly giving ourselves love, respect and reverence!

Becoming Halloween

I loved Halloween when I was a kid. Odd, really, since my mother hated – and still does – the whole affair. I looked forward to the huge Halloween party my church held. My memory of the huge, expansive multi-purpose room was filled with games, a cake walk giving away whole cakes, and the coveted prizes for the costume competition. Each year I dressed up to win. Every year I lost.

In fifth grade, having read the book “Plain Girl” about an Amish girl, I decided to go as her. I made the costume myself, my mother helping me with the apron and bonnet. I was transformed as I gazed at myself in the mirror. I felt like I had become her.

The next year mom said “no more sewing”, so a seamstress friend stepped up to help. I was a can-can girl and the costume was all that. I could have stepped onto the set of Moulin Rouge and fit right in.  I felt pretty, exotic, flamboyant and sassy! 

For as long as the Halloween party was held, I costumed myself up to become another person, character or entity.  I never did win. Not once. It wasn’t until I was older and those parties had long since gone by the wayside that I learned why: dad was the pastor, I was one of his kids, it would look bad if I won.  

My dad died a little more than a year ago, and all that is involved in grief is on-going. All Hallow’s Eve, Dia De los Muertos, Day of Souls and Saints are exactly the right time of year to think about my dad. These rituals give us the opportunity to ritually honor those who are no longer physically with us. They invite us to honor, remember, celebrate and think about our dead.

I was considering building an altar for my dad and wondered what I would put on it. Over the last decade of his life he and I (and my mom and my husband) moved together on a profound journey. We transitioned from espousing Christianity and living deeply embedded in the church as pastors, to independent thinkers who locate ourselves somewhere between agnostic and atheist. We remain engaged in the story of Jesus and his radical choices toward justice, equality and the value of women. Ritual and meaning making through word, meditation and ceremony remain central and important. We are not your typical anything… not freethinkers, humanists, agnostics, atheists, pagans or secularists. We are simply becoming.

I still enjoy Halloween. I love to watch my kids find joy in putting on another persona, adorning themselves with mustaches and make-up, having the chance to be “Katniss”, a witch, goblin, warrior or Viking for a day. There is a grace and freedom to the act of masking our faces and bodies with a different look, energy, personality and letting loose the growls, purrs, screams and roars of a new being. Perhaps once-a-year Halloween gives us the opportunity to take the risk of becoming something new without having to actually do it full time.  

The practice of “becoming new” once-a-year, and the imagination and preparation to do so, has served me well.  The disappointment of a young girl at not winning the competition has diminished along with the roles in and expectations of the church. Maybe it was Halloween and the freedom of trying on a new being for a night that readied me to truly, honestly and powerfully become a new person in my own skin.

If you could try out a new idea, what would it be? What question is burning in your mind and heart that has seemed too scary to ask? Is there a personality trait you have always longed to express? Is there a passion left untouched, a desire lying dormant?

Stephen Covey used to ask people to “begin with the end in mind”. “Imagine your own funeral,” he would say, “and the speeches given and what you hope they will say.”  Use this to guide your choices throughout your life – your decision of becoming.

On my dads altar I will place an excellent bottle of red wine, luscious dark chocolate, all that is music and books: lots and lots of books. I will fashion the altar to resemble a dinner table, around which people will gather to eat good food, drink good wine and debate, discuss, talk, wonder, laugh and cry. There will be candles, linen napkins and open minds.

What would you put on your Dia de los Muertos altar? What would you want others to recite about the “story of you”?

This year, dress up for Halloween! Be that something new, something dangerous, risky or previously-off-limits idea, persona or image! Practice becoming; thinking new, wondering differently and trying on another perspective.

Miss Tinsel

My entire body was tilted back and down. Sunglasses blocked the intruding light that was floating directly over my face. I couldn’t speak as fingers, suction tubes and drills were pulled in and out of my mouth. I swore I felt drool sliding over my erratically positioned lips and down my cheek. Grunting, I pointed to the spot and tried to say “drool” which came out “ouool”. The doctor looked. “Nothing there,” he said smiling. Silly me.

I was in the dentists chair this morning for the second time in the same number of weeks. In case you missed that, it’s 2 visits in 2 weeks – both for a crown. The first was “just” a cracked tooth, today was a full on break. Lovely.

So there I am, lying in a head down position with my mouth occupied by gooey gunk and a 5 minute timer ticking away in back of me. The doc is washing up, chatting pleasantly when suddenly he declares “October 24^th! Oh my God! It’s almost November.”

Yes, it is almost November and with it a swift move to the holidays. The season of giving, getting, wanting, griping and endless Christmas carols – or rather, Holiday music – is around the corner.

Doc continued. “I’m just not ready for the holidays to come. It’s too soon. There’s too much to do, too much to prepare and buy… and the hustle and bustle… all the parties and gatherings and expectations… and family!” He made a sound like a muzzled animal. “Ah… family during the holidays”.

Almost as if he remembered he was not alone, he turned and looked at me. “Are you ready for them AmyJo? For God’s sake, it was just August!”

Having no real ability to respond, I used my eyebrows and deep guttural prrr to try to communicate “Yes!” Of course I’m ready for my favorite time of year!”

When I was in high school my best friend gave me the title of “Miss Tinsel”. It stuck. I love the season of Thanksgiving through Christmas and New Year. When I was young it was magical and filled with music, cookies, yummy smells, Grandma & Grandpa and a glass of soda on Christmas Eve.

As the years passed, the reason for my exuberance has changed, but I still have it. 

I can relate to the Scrooges, bah humbugs and to people who hate the season. I have experienced the anxiety swirling around family gatherings, the comparison of children and the evaluation of lives, looks and current body size.  The numerous parties that demand our attention, hostess gifts, another well put together outfit, correctly selected gift and on and on it goes.   

There is a lot about the Holiday Season that can be difficult, sad and hurtful while also producing anxiety and even shame.

Yet amidst the flurry of gifts that are sung about, advertised for and written down on wish-lists, there really are gifts to be found during the months of November and December.

On November 16, 2012 I will offer a 7 module video course that guides you through the weeks leading up to the Celebration of the Yule, of light and abundance. These videos will assist you in facing those aspects of the upcoming holidays that give you the butterflies and the dreads, and will give you applicable tools to overcome them. At the end of these four sessions, you will find yourself ready and filled with positive anticipation for all that occurs between November 22 and January 1.

More information will come about how to access this fun, engaging, lighthearted romp toward the holidays that will give you the tools necessary to have the best Season of Giving ever!  Stay Tuned!

Mumbo Jumbo

It seems silly to suggest that a sentence can change the world. To repeat an idea over and over again with the intended goal of changing our deepest selves and the way we see each other appears as juvenile. Really? Repeat a bunch of words and my world will shift? Sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo.

And yet, one week ago I stood on an incredible TEDx San Joaquin stage in Stockton, California and said just that.

Aristotle gets it. “We are what we repeatedly do," he says. "Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” This ancient Greek dude had it right. What we consistently do or say trains our minds and bodies to reflect it. We embody our habits.

“I look fat, I am ugly,” looks like a person with shrugged shoulders, suspicious eyes and over - or -  under weight. “I don’t look like them, my clothes aren’t stylish. They laughed at me. If only I had this hair, body, eye-color, smile...,” is reflected in a constant struggle to fit in, missing entirely the beauty of our unique loveliness. “I like boys..., I am supposed to like boys..., I don’t like girls,” results in self doubt and often self hate. I could go on. Through years of coaching, counseling, teaching and leading retreats I know that many of us are weighed down by the repetition of ideas that tell us we are not good enough.  Not enough for God, for parents, for someone to like me: just not good enough.

Standing in the spotlight on that TEDx stage I recited the sentence that had powerfully shaped me into the person I used to be. (Yes, used to be! Habits can be broken!)

“I confess that I am by nature sinful and unclean and cannot free myself.” It goes on from there, but let’s not. We don’t need to encourage focusing on the unhelpful and unhealthy habits that weigh us down. But there it is, and its power sculpted me.

The idea contained within the words acted as the hands and tools of a sculptor and shaped me into who I was. Believing that I was naturally bad and I could not, on my own accord or will, change that for the better made me fat. I literally gained weight, physical pounds and mental, spiritual and emotional baggage. 

I wanted to kiss. I wanted to have a boy’s hands on me. I masturbated. I was terrified because no matter what I did, the desires did not subside. I still wanted all of it and I hated myself for it. I could not get enough of the “God-goodness” in me no matter how often I went to church, prayed, took communion or participated in church activities. None of it stopped or reduced the desires I had burning within my mind that literally jolted through my body when "that particular boy" touched my arm. I knew that I was a sinner and likely going to hell.

Does a sentence have power? Oh, ya.

We become our habits, the good and the bad.  Let’s go for the good!

We need to reverse the damage done by the sentence that reflects the idea of The Doctrine of Original Sin, and we need to replace it with the Affirmation of Human Goodness.

I am naturally good, and have in me the power to make more good for me and for others.

That’s it. That is the sentence that will change the world. I know, because it’s changed mine. I am sure of it because I have witnessed it altering the self image of my kids. I am positive of it because I daily see it change the self image of my clients, giving them a sense of inner power they have not known before.

Silly? One sentence changing the world? Not at all.

It takes 21 days to form a habit. Taking advice from the ancient Greek dude, we need to become excellent at rehearsing, repeating and reminding ourselves that we are naturally good. We need to reshape our self image and the vision we use to see each other and the world.

I am naturally good and have in me the power to make more good, and so are you. We share the same core good and same capacity to make more of it to benefit ourselves and others.

To train with this sentence is to hone our community to open mindedness that reaches beyond tolerance to listening and understanding. To be disciplined with this sentence is to awaken our whole bodies to the truth that our desires, ideas, hopes and questions are first, good.

Repeating this sentence gives us the capacity and power to better handle those times and events when our goodness seems far away or missing. We will no longer be defined by the bad that occurs around us, but rather we will confidently confront it with partnership, respect and the expectation that we each come to the table with an equal capacity to problem solve.

One sentence?  21 Days? For you? Do you, adult person who does not need or like silly little gimmicks of self improvement (neither do I), need to make this sentence your own?

Yes, yes, and yes!

We need a movement that covers the airwaves, car bumpers, Twitter-sphere, Facebook-likes and posts that will adorn our bodies, backs and arms, shouting that we are GOOD!

21 Days. One Sentence. I am good and have in me the power to make more good.

Change the world!

Kickin' the Fear Habit

I have been contemplating fear these last few days. Fear of taking that leap, jumping into the risk of believing so fully and totally in my ability, gifts and wisdom that I finally do something with my wild and precious life.

I have finally let go of the comfortable excuses, the regrets of past opportunities and the fear of not having enough, and I am going for it.

Scary, inspiring stuff. I am dizzy with the potential of doing what I know I was made to do.

So why the fear? Habits can be hard to break, and returning to the fear mongering I spent a lifetime learning is among those tough nuts. 

Tough, yes, but not impossible.  I am doing it and so can you. Whatever message, expectation or limitation that is stopping your movement forward, your full self to emerge, the following steps will help crack it open.

First, look the fear or expectation straight in the face and name it out loud. As distasteful as this is, it’s an important first step.

Here goes.

I am afraid that the success of others around me somehow puts my ability to realize my own success at risk. Wow, I have never written that so succinctly and honestly. I don’t think I’ve ever stated it so boldly. It’s ugly. Is that really me?

Yup. Truth. There you have it. Instead of rejoicing with others at their amazing lives and accomplishments, I have practiced being intimidated by them.

For some crazy and irrational idea, when someone else wildly succeeds, which is what I want for myself, I am afraid that it snips off another piece of the blanket of my potential.

Fear can cripple if we continue to practice it without being aware that it is there. Looking at it, stating it and naming it immediately pierces a hole in the bubble of fear and begins to leak.  It has less power over us.

Second, practice, repeat, rehearse and retrain your thinking with this one sentence: I am naturally good and have in me the power to choose to use it to make more good for myself and others.

Repeating this sentence every day, multiple times a day, has had tremendous impact on my life and how I see the world and myself. It literally buckles my proverbial knee-jerk reaction of jealousy in its tracks! When I have experienced the ping of “See what that person is doing… what makes you think you can do it?” Or the pang of “They’ve already done it, you may as well just give up,” I remind myself of how good I am and how much power I already have inside me to be a creator of more good, more beauty, more life giving advice and it corrects my vision.

It’s not magic, but it’s close.

Third, I have taken stock of the importance of surrounding myself with people who want to celebrate my success! Too often those in our lives are connected to the status quo of who we are now, and the idea of the “Big AmyJo” or the “Great AmyJo” seems threatening. Instead of encouraging me to go for it, words of fear are expressed, often in a context of protection. “Do you have enough money to do that?” “I just don’t want you to get your hopes up and feel bad if it’s not a huge success,” and on and on.

No more. Choose to be around people who want you to succeed! The language of affirmation and genuine encouragement are critical to building our own capacity to go for it!

Fourth, I am my own policewoman and have recruited a few other trusted “cops” to keep me in line. When I feel the urge to compare myself and come out on the losing end, I say out loud “I am enough, I am brilliant and my time is now.” Really. I say it out loud. No matter where I am. If I am riding my bike (because my husband and I share one car while I build my business), walking into class to teach (and I gaze at the pictures of successful people lining the walls), or listening to the radio in my kitchen (and hear a story of an amazing person doing an incredible thing), I say it out loud. “I am enough, I am brilliant and my time is now.”

Finally, I practice genuinely celebrating the amazing, great, incredible feats people are accomplishing all over this world. Thank the good-ness of humanity for all of these successes, struggles, learning moments and movements!

Our world improves the more we all go for it! When you and I honor those who are doing it, we send good karma, emotions and energy into the world and by doing so, we make it better!

Follow the Formula:

1)     Look the fear straight in its face and name it out loud.

2)     Repeat: I am naturally good and have in me the power to choose to use it to make more good for myself and others.

3)     Choose to be around others who want you to succeed! The language of affirmation and genuine encouragement are critical to building our own capacity to go for it! Accept it and give it away to others.

4)     Be your own policeperson and say out loud, whenever the creepy-crawlies of jealousy or insecurity linger: “I am enough, I am brilliant and my time is now.”

5)     Rejoice in the success of others and know that doing it improves the energy in our world.

We each have a story and gifts to give the world. We cannot know each detail, but we can affirm that we have all it takes to do it!

The time is now! Go For It!